This last year was a blast. We were, then I was, then we were again, then we had some money, then we lost it all, then we were in debt, then we still are, then I am and it was an important lesson. Many a time I’ve said to myself over this last year: “Just give it up, it can’t work – look at your efforts, they’re worth nothing. Just do a job, come home happy, read a book, play a game, be happy with it.”
But I didn’t. Furthermore, I couldn’t. I am a slave if not to game development, then to the idea of game development. I am actively envisioning something that I know I can’t pull out into the world alone, but – maybe I can start small? Maybe I should. I can’t be content with small, but at least I can grow it.
My memory is unforgiving. My hard drive ever more so. It is the combination of the two that push me forward. Seeing what little we did to create a moment that still glitters inside my mind and what little more we needed to make it all true simply can’t align with my reality in which ideas and will aren’t enough – people have to be paid and the money to pay them is a thing that one has to waste his days to come by, therefore having no time for real work. Change a picture here or there – sure. Change a label, optimize for SEO – no problem. All menial tasks of no real importance. There is no spark or soul in them. They are what they are and they pay. I wish that I could create and that is what I am going to do. What I’ll create – I have no idea, in the same sense in which a mother knows not what she will give birth to, but it will be wonderful.
Pixelablaze existed way too long and created no game. We did design, we developed, we were cheated and we were paid, but Pixelablaze makes games. It is not only our focus – no, we are that. We tried to find ourselves in games. We do stuff in a certain game-oriented way: we defined us by it, to some degree. Every month, we buy a game for the company and we try it out. These are usually old gold games from GOG.com or sometimes a new hit like Evoland or Bioshock Infinite. Every month, therefore, we enjoy. Every month, we try to get paid for game-related things and are really patient. Some of us are paid for studying mythologies. Our projects aren’t a sure thing, but why would that matter? We are prepared to risk, because that is the only way we can win. But we, as all beings in the universe, are afraid. Afraid, mostly, of what we are, for none knows its shape to its fullest extent.
“I will have no man in my boat,” said Starbuck, “who is not afraid of a whale.”
And I shall have no man in my team, who is not afraid of the game within him. To be afraid is to be strong. Sure – I don’t know what I’ll eat tomorrow. Sure – I don’t know if our game will ever be featured in the Blurb by the wonderful Lucy James of Ginx, but it is there and we have to find it. Not for money. Not for showmanship. For our souls.
Pixelablaze makes games and that should be clear.